Before going through this please go through my earlier blog http://dsampath.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/01/jab-we-met-beena-and-me-on-the-train-from-jamshedpur.htm
I rememeber clearly the conversation I had with Beena on the phone, the same day that I saw her taking a stroll with a sardar. I related to her a puzzle .The puzzle goes somewhat like this. “A “and “B” are just friends.”B”is in love with “C”. “A”suddenly finds that he is in love with B...the question was what should “A” do under these circumstances? It was immediately after the afore said episode and probably by this time the effect of two bottles of Beer had not worn off. But I was sure that I   controlled my voice and tone to the extent she could not make out that i was very upset. But since the call was made at 12 ‘O’clock in the night and the subject of conversation was an abstract puzzle, the question must have sounded odd to her. If she doubted my sobriety she did not show any sign of this. She laughed in her characteristic way and said maybe I should ask an astrologer.

After an hour or so when the saner senses prevailed, I went through a panic. I was cursing myself for the phone call. I was wondering what she would be thinking of me. I was also scared whether I have given her an indication that I was in love with her. I was very scared of the repercussions. How will my mom take it? What will my pop say?  

Then the second wave of panic much stronger than the earlier one hit me. Am I in love with her? What is love? The stereotype images of Christian Malayalis came to my mind. I saw myself spending my life in a house with permanent coconut oil smell having cakes for breakfast and going out for Christmas party with Beena wearing a typical short gown.  What if I changed my mind? After all this is the first time I am falling love; what if I meet someone else and like the other person better? What if this is only an infatuation? 

Then the third and the ultimate panic wave caught me; what (if we get married) would be the religion of our kids. How would they be brought up? As Hindus or Christians? I did not sleep for three days. I did not meet her also. I was not sure as to what she was thinking. Will she now talk to me or will she just refuse to meet me.   I promised myself that I would never drink two bottles of beer again. So when I received a call from her hostel, my heart leapt up. She was asking whether I would come for a picnic to a place called Tungareshwar. She showed no signs of any disturbance caused by my puzzle. For her everything was as usual.

She had come prepared with bread- butter -jam, cutlets and chips etc for the trip. My mother always used a very small quantity of butter with the bread.  That was the first time I had seen so much butter put in the sandwich she made. It tasted extremely good, and I was feeling slightly guilty that I was eating so much butter. The place was beautiful; what with the trees and the birds etc .I kissed her for the first time . .The feeling was divine. Though we did get into this act very often later, I cannot forget the divine moment. Of course both of us were very much aware of the limits for physical intimacy we went into. We were very clear that none of us would transgress the boundary beyond that point, where   feelings of shame and guilt may arise in any one of us.

 It was here, I remember telling her, that I was not sure whether I was falling in love with her? She laughed out loud and said why the hell I should be worried about that. We will just spend the time with each other and enjoy each other’s company. She did the only thing that could have helped me at that time. She just allowed me to be what I am without any judgement and never imposed anything of herself.  From then on I would be telling her the minutest nuances of feelings that are going on in my mind. With a start we realised it was very late. At the bus stop the last bus had gone. We hitched a truck ride (later when he came to know about this adventure of ours, her uncle, who was totally against any inter religion marriage admonished us for taking such a great risk).  Any way we reached home safely.

I do not know how I spent the next few days... While I was attacking the variety of issues raised by me earlier with a vengeance and sharing my thoughts and struggles, she would be just listening to me. I would   ask her repeatedly to share with me what was going on in her mind she would just say nothing much, Raju (she had by that time started calling me Raju). I called her Bean... She was like that; always jumping around merrily, full of life. I was busy thinking overtime  for both of us contemplating on both metaphysical aspects of love and material aspect of marriage .Never for a moment did I think of her relationship with her childhood blue eyed boy. But that must have been troubling her as events would indicate later.

Meanwhile it is necessary for you all to meet my father and mother . When all this was going on I had been to Madras for some work. My mother sensed something in me and asked me whether I had some one in my mind for marriage. I was not adept at the art of subterfuge and could not tell a lie. She started crying and I gave her a promise that if ever I was contemplating marriage I would tell her first. This was the only word to my mother I would break later. After the short sojourn, I returned to Bombay. When I told Beena this, she did not say anything but I could make out that she was very upset.

Meanwhile one important turning point in our relationship came. As I was wondering whether I was in love with her and she was in love with me and spending the days in this active introspection, something must have been happening to her. Even now when I think about what she did it fills my eyes with tears.

One day when I went to her hostel, she came down from her room and she was very ill. I was very worried and asked her as to what happened. She just said that she was going to Jamshedpur for three days and will be meeting me in about a week. I asked her the reason why she was worried, and wanted to know whether anyone in her family was ill. She answered in the negative .When she came back from Jamshedpur I could discern a sadness in her but I could also experience in her a serene clarity. I knew something had happened in jamshedpur. But she would not tell l me.  Repeated questioning revealed that she had gone and met her blue eyed friend and clarified to him that she was still his very good friend but did not actually love him. Hearing this I was both elated and scared. I was elated because she has made the line clear for me to approach her for marriage... I was scared because now I have to make some very difficult choices .Though she vehemently denied that her action had nothing to do with our relationship, I suspected that she was also in love with me. What really touched me was that she did not link this to our relationship and she ensured that there was no pressure psychological or otherwise put on me. Through this act she indicated to me that she was open to marrying me.

 My mother meanwhile had written to me that someone had seen my horoscope and he wants me to come and meet his daughter to see that if she could be my life partner. (My mother, bless her soul as she is no more, had also added that they were willing to give me the to and fro air ticket!.) I realised that this was a defining moment for me. When I told Beena about this, her suggestion was that I should go and have a look at this girl. (I do not know whether she appreciated the joke that I made at that time asking her to join me as promised earlier) At least I could not make out any dissonance in her expression. I wrote to my mother that I was going around with a Christian girl and was thinking of marriage .My mother’s reply was very painful for me to read .She had made reference to my promise and the betrayal. My mother’s dreams about me were being shattered. I showed the letter to Beena (which was one of the foolish things I did as I looked back)

My father’s reaction was very strong, saying that- ‘if I wanted to jump from a balcony down ,how can he afford to keep looking at it without trying to stop me?’.  I was intelligent enough not to tell her about this .My elder brother knew her father and had good words to say about her family. My younger brother had nothing to say. That was any way my total family. I had informed my brothers about the happenings. Since my elder brother also had chosen his own mate, he had absolutely no issues on my marrying anyone of my choice. I defended myself with my mom by saying that I had not made the choice, which was of course the truth.

When I was struggling to understand myself and finding some logic to make a decision, fate ushered in some situations which accelerated the decision making. The first was the incident that happened when we went to the national park Goregaon. We were in a secluded corner spreading our wares including bread butter samosas and our umbrella (it was rainy season). We were enjoying the serene surroundings and were in our own world. We heard a noise behind and saw two thuggish looking guys. One of them came and asked me to scoot off. The other butted me with his head. Beena was requesting them to just leave us alone. One of the guys tried to catch her hand. At this juncture something came over me. I snatched the umbrella with one hand and with the other I caught hold of beena’s hand and I pulled her towards me, and ran towards a clearing. We came to a clearing about 50 yards away .I was shivering with anger, rage, upset and fear .I realised that I would give my life for this girl. The protective feeling I had towards her was so over whelming that it took at least ten minutes to come to normal .My mind was made up. I realised that I loved her.

Still I was not sure whether I should propose to her or wait for some time. The issue was clinched when two things happened simultaneously. She got admission to XLRI- MBA personnel course and I was being transferred to our Bangalore unit. Knowing the ratio of boys to girls is unfavourably placed towards a girl remaining single at the end of second year and there is every chance of someone else charming her, my mind was finally made up. I still remember the most unromantic way I proposed to her. On the Chowpathy beach I told her that I feel like proposing to her. By this time she knew me well and asked me not to be in a hurry and wait for some time. Like a dumb guy I waited for a week and told her that I would like to marry her. She accepted. So the die was cast.

Rest of it was not very easy. I did not tell my parents about our marriage. If I had invited them they would have been put in the embarrassing and heart breaking situation of making a very difficult choice. Even till the date of his death my father only blamed my elder brother for not informing him of the date of marriage .There were no serious problems from her side. Her parents were quite happy with me (after all an IIT, IIM son in law!) .There was a rumble from grandparents from the mother’s side back home from Kerala, which her mother handled effectively. Ours was a registered marriage. I invited only my two brothers for the marriage and reception held in Jamshedpur attended by her family and friends and my brother’s friends. My friends and relatives even now keep reminding me that I had not invited them for the marriage.

Immediately after marriage we went to Madras and stayed with our parents for two weeks. Within three days my mother started adoring Beena .My mother actually came to Bangalore to  set us up (like teaching her to make Rasam and Sambar).